Monday, April 20, 2009

I want to care about this one

I don’t want to not care.


My pastor told me some of my deep disappointment comes from unrealistic expectations. That’s kind of duh, I suppose the kind of thing mature adults are supposed to “get.”

Realistic expectations have to do with wisdom. And I actually like wisdom. I like when I’ve learned some life lesson so that it’s duh to me; I like when things are ok because my perspective is truthful and appropriate. I really enjoy wisdom most of the time—it’s freeing.


But I don’t want to feel better about something because I stopped caring about it. 


There are some things I don’t want to feel better about because they no longer matter to me.


There are some things I don’t want to care about anymore. There are relationships that, even if things never change, even if the other person never changes, I want it not to bother me anymore. I want to change if that’s what it takes. I want to be able to love regardless of whether or not there is satisfying reciprocation. 

But there are places in my life that I guess I’m just stuck on.

I don’t want to love there unconditionally. I don’t want to gain perspective on who you really are and so have it not matter how you treat me. I don’t want to be the bigger person; I don’t want to invest my love just because Jesus told me to.

I want it to change, not me. I don’t want, in five years, to feel differently about it because I’ve changed, my perspective has changed, and I’ve become ok with who you are not.


I don’t want to lower my expectations with you.


Because if I do, it’s like it was all wasted.

All the care I invested, all the good I saw in you, all the things about you that I thought were there, were lovable, were delightful. All the things about you that I swear I didn’t imagine, that try as I might to adjust my expectations still lurk there, teasingly, all the things about you that I thought would feel good on my soul. All the effort I spent trying to honor God in my attitude when I did want to quit. Because the fact is I did try to quit caring. It seemed like it would be smarter and so much easier.


But I never wanted to quit.

And I have seen how God takes things and makes them into something so much better, in a better way than I imagined. And I’ve seen how, when I am so very changed, when my perspective is so very shifted, how all the feelings change and it all becomes ok.


I don’t want that to happen here.


I want redemption.


I want what I want.


I want what I felt to have mattered.


I realize You may say no. I know if You do it will be better than what I want. But I cannot see that now—my past experience of Your Sovereignty, projected into the future, does not seem to match the will that I repeatedly lay down. In this I have only two prayers left: I want it all to have mattered, I want it stand in the end without waste. And not my will but Yours be done.





purity201 said...

ail wow really make you think

Keenan said...

Amen, my Ali. Amen indeed.

And I reread that forgotten post of mine.
And it summed up who I was for so very long.
And it sums up who I never want to be again. I WANT to care about something real again.
I love you, honestly, sincerely, truly.

Lauralei said...

Again, just by being you, and being honest, you challenge me. Especially when I need it most. I want redemption for you. And I want to see you not struggle with this anymore, and for all of it to matter. Without waste.
I love you.

brianalight said...

Yes, disappointment comes from unrealistic expectations. But I would take it even further: Disappointment can come when we have ANY expectations, for people OR for God. I base this thinking not only on my experiences, but also on the verse that says "those who hope in the Lord will not be disappointed". Meaning that even when we don't understand God's ways (like you addressed in your second last paragraph), we can hope in God himself (Grubby's recent teachings on making God our Trust). People let us down, people disappoint. People are only people (a difficult concept for us type A personality's that try to please everyone) So when I place my hope in someone besides God, I am making that person an idol in my life. Like I said, I write from experience. I too sometimes just want what I want, but ultimately, God is good and perfect and people are sinful and quite imperfect. This just sounds like rambling, it sounded much better the first time I wrote it, so take it for what is it worth. Love you Ali!

brianalight said...

One more thing (I don't want you to think that I have missed the whole point of this blog). You say that you want what you have felt to have mattered. It does. When we take our pain and desires (even good desires), and lay them at the feet of Jesus, it becomes worship unto Him. He is pleased to have our tears wash his feet. It matters to Him. And He cries too.

Mama Janna said...

I understand.