How much have I given that was a cheat? A cheat to the ones who received but misunderstood… A cheat to me when my crossed motivations failed to produce…
How many deeds have I done that were seen as helpful, kind, cheerful, but were really an effort to win the affection and appreciation that can never be bought, only freely bestowed?
Or am I angry that I think they were not seen at all, let alone that they did not purchase the acceptance I long for?
And what of the deeds and words absolutely given in love? Do all those that remain unseen remain seeds? Seeds of rewards not to be seen here? It is so beautiful, so fulfilling to give in love, purely because of love.
What of all that is seen, and appreciated, and expressed, yet simply does not seem to touch the need I have still to give and serve, persistently, foolishly hoping to bring about the love I need? What is it in me that cannot rejoice in the love and deeds and words of others that are so lavishly and joyfully bestowed on me?
What of all I’ve given that I thought was given in love, and today I wonder, was it just a cheat?
How can I know my own heart?
And what can I do with the quiet, private, solitary sorrow and profound thankfulness that there is only one, One, ONE who knows and understands it all, every thought, every motivation and frantic prayer of “I’m Sorry! Help!”
I don’t know what to do except take it all to Him, and say “Here it is, some of it is so ugly and I can’t sort it out on my own. I don’t know what to blame myself for and what to forgive myself for. I don’t want to be foolish and small and so very, very stupid. I want to give love the way I want to be loved, and I don’t want to scorn the Love that is already given, already bestowed, already cherishing.”