Monday, May 4, 2009

And so I lift you up.

I said I would pray, and then I thought...Do I know how to?

Do I know how to pray for your pain? Perhaps it's not what mine was, maybe I don't know how to ask God for exactly what you feel, if I haven't felt the same. 

And then I thought...I still know what pain feels like.

I know what it's like when your heart hurts so bad that your real heart hurts, that the muscles and sinews and your very blood rushing through them throb with the ache of your soul. I know what it feels like when your tears fall and fall til the flood of them puddle at your feet. I know what it's like when the poison of your pain wells and wells until it rushes out of your eyes in tears that feel like relief as they pour down your face...but when you are finished crying because you can't breathe anymore, your eyes are swollen and burning...the ache remains. 

I know what it's like to question God: Why me? What did I do wrong? Was I that stupid? Did I hear you wrong? And if I wasn't despicably stupid, if I tried so very, very hard to do right...why this much pain? If You love me, why don't You make it better, why don't You heal me?

And hardest of all, when I see no reasons, I believe no promises, I can think of nothing else to help me live another minute besides, "Lord, where else shall I go? Thou hast the words of eternal life."

I see a life without these rules of faith, without the seemingly merciless mandate to persevere, to believe what I cannot see, to claim what I cannot touch, to rest where I see no peace. I stare long into that void; and in a moment, the terror of Nothing, of No One, rushes over me and I cry, "Entreat me not to leave Thee nor turn back from following Thee!" and I sob for the chance to cling His robes, I beg that no matter what else may come, no matter what heart-wrenching agony I suffer, no matter if all the promises remain hidden, to be finally, only, found at His feet.

I know what it feels like when after these tears and these prayers, the ache remains. The night is dark and lonely, and the morning seems to hold no promise of light or of cheer. 

I know what pain is. It may be that your pain comes from a different wound than mine does, but I know your ache bleeds the same, your tears fall with the same burn, your physical heart pounds with the same pulse of emptiness that mine does. 

And despite everything, I know that my Redeemer lives, and I know that His heart is for me. And so I know that His heart is for you. 

And so I lift you up to Him.

6 comments:

brianalight said...

And I pray for you too. And in this way we fulfill the law of Christ, carrying each others burdens. My burden and you burden, they are different, yet they are heavy and painful and are made lighter when they are carried by another wonderful caring compassionate soul such as you.

brianalight said...

Okay, I have to make another comment (I just can't help myself)! I've been thinking about the photo attached to this blog. It really made an impression on me. I've also been thinking a lot about a verse form Psalms 56:8 that was brought up at musicians meeting: Our tears are not spilled for the purpose of just being left to eventually evaporate from the floor; no God saves them, every last one of them in a bottle, I bet He even knows how many we have shed since He does know how many hairs are on our head, and that number changes daily!! It matters to Him, we matter to Him, you matter to Him.

Lauralei said...

Oooohhhh, I like everything Briana said. Everything. And I feel like we've talked about this as of late. And I continue to lift you up. I love you dearly.

Continue to BLOG!

Mama Janna said...

It is hard to imagine that we can relate to someone who is going through something hard, especially if we haven't gone through it, we might not feel like we have something to offer them, but why not we have felt similar things and I think that you put beautifully the ability that God has given us to speak to others Hearts. I love you!

Keenan said...

I read this again to remind myself of all the reasons I have to trust you.
Your heart is some kind of fierce beautiful, and I love you ferociously.
Thank you for loving me.

Lauralei said...

It's been almost 2 months since you posted something of yours. I'm going to pray that God inspires you with something new. I miss reading your thoughts.